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Transitions and Resources as your Son or Daughter Begins College

Letting go is a process that began with preschool or kindergarten and has been a long, important, and sometimes painful path. For some parents the transition of having a child go to college is easy, and for others it can be quite difficult. Most parents want their child to be independent and be successful when they leave home. However, parents are sometimes tempted to tell their son or daughter how to be independent.

For your son or daughter to be independent, you:

Must send a message that you trust his or her judgment
Need to have confidence in him or her
Believe he or she will be successful in his or her academic career
Must let go even though you may want to stay connected
Need to keep the communication lines open
Measure your reactions to the decisions your son or daughter makes, even the not-so-brilliant ones

While your son or daughter is still living at home, there are many ways you can begin to prepare for the transition to college.

Talk, talk, talk!
The more you and your son or daughter talk, the more likely he or she will come to you when he or she is having problems.

Lift the curfew.
If your son or daughter still has a curfew, it's a good time to consider dropping it now to give him or her a chance to practice making responsible decisions about coming home. This is a good time to talk about freedom, responsibility, and respect.

Talk about money.
Make sure your son or daughter understands how to use a checking account, charge account, and credit cards.

Teach your son or daughter how to do laundry.
Learning to separate colors and wash-and-dry clothes is not only a good deterrent to pink underwear, it's also one more sign that your son or daughter is capable of being independent.

Teach your son or daughter basic car maintenance.
It is important for anyone who drives a car to know some basics such as when to change the oil, how to change a tire, and how to check fluid levels. This can be very valuable information if your son or daughter ever has car problems during or after college.

Teach your son or daughter about responsible decision-making.
Now is the time to allow your son or daughter to make more and more decisions independently. During college your son or daughter will need to make many decisions, and having practice while at home will allow him or her to make better decisions on his or her own.

A period of life filled with challenges and transitions, the college years contain such developmental milestones as leaving home and making important value and lifestyle choices for oneself, maturing sexuality and identity formation, declaring a major and making career choices, and developing significant intimate relationships.

Exciting and rewarding, these years can also be highly stressful for even the most resilient young adult. These are the years where children are testing themselves in living without your constant presence and guidance - yet they still need you. Most college students and graduates agree that the college years should involve challenges and transitions, resulting in self-discovery.

As a parent, the challenge you face is to give them the respect and space to experience those challenges and transitions, encouraging that shining moment of self-discovery. Giving your child that space is one of the most difficult challenges that parents face. Which is better - the parent ready to give advice, if asked, or the parent demanding daily reports? What a dilemma! You may want to be involved in your son's or daughter's life to the same extent as you always have been - some children may allow this and some may want some distance.

Survival Tips for Parents of First-Year College Students

DO

Share in the enthusiasm and excitement.
Expect homesickness and times when college life seems overwhelming.
Encourage your son or daughter to accept responsibility and become his or her own problem-solver.
Expect change and give him or her space to grow.
Listen, write, call, and send care packages.
Find new interests to help you let go.
Encourage your son or daughter to get involved on campus and to participate in weekend programs.

DON'T

Overreact and rush to the rescue. Encourage and support, but let him or her handle concerns and issues.
Encourage coming home often. Students make smoother transitions and are happier if they stay on campus long enough to make friends and get involved.
Expect many letters or phone calls. Sometimes students get caught up in a whirlwind of activity and forget to stay in touch.
Be surprised if he or she changes his or her mind on her major and career interests.

Knowledgeable and involved parents are an important factor in student success. We find that the students whose parents are actively involved and maintain open communication lines with their sons and daughters are the ones who are the most likely to succeed academically, make wise and appropriate choices, and refrain from engaging in high-risk behaviors such as alcohol abuse.

Listed below are some resources that you might find helpful and informative:

Letting Go: A Parents' Guide to Understanding the College Years by Karen Levin Coburn and Madge Lawrence Treeger

Empty Nest ... Full Heart: The Journey from Home to College by Andrea Van Steenhouse, Ph.D.

Almost Grown: Launching Your Child from High School to College by Patricia Pasick, M.Ed., Ph.D.